


Those He Left Behind

by Ezzy_Pie



Series: Valindra/Solas Oneshots [4]
Category: Dragon Age - All Media Types, Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Angst, Dorian is Lavellans BFF, F/M, Kidfic, M/M, More angst, Solas is a dad, Uncle Dorian, Uncle Iron Bull, Unplanned Pregnancy, mostly angst, tiny bit of smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-07
Updated: 2017-01-23
Packaged: 2018-05-05 11:35:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 8,005
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5373860
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ezzy_Pie/pseuds/Ezzy_Pie
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Corypheus has been defeated, and Solas has left before Valindra Lavellan can tell him of her pregnancy.</p><p>Set between the end of Inquision and Tresspasser</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Valindra walked through the halls as though in a dream, a cacophony of muted voices that never truly met her ears. Nothing penetrated, only Leliana’s words rung in her ears. 

He was gone.

She knew of course, part of her always knew he would never stay. A scholar he had been, yes, but his spirit was too wild, too restless to ever be fully tamed. Once the same had been said of her, but she had let herself be tamed, and now she was chained to the shemlen title that had been thrust upon her. Chains that now could never be broken. She had shackled herself to this life the moment she cast off her valaslin.

Still, she smiled stiffly, accepting congratulations and wishing her companions well as she moved thorough the crowed, her forced smiles never reaching her eyes. 

Valindra Lavellan, Last of her Clan, Herald of Andraste, and Leader of the Inquisition refused food and wine, making small talk only long enough until the time finally came that she could slip unseen to her chambers.

Silently she climbed the rickety stairs to her rooms, her heart hammering in her chest as she reached for the handle, stopping short of grasping the smooth metal. 

How many times had she returned from the field, bloodied and exhausted to Solas waiting for her? His arm draped over the back of the chaise before a crackling fire place, a book resting on his lap, a hot bath ready and waiting for her. 

It had become a ritual on those rare times he did not accompany her. He would carefully remove her from her filthy bloodstained clothes before helping her into the bath, slipping in behind her and painstakingly washing every inch of her body, trailing kisses across her skin. 

Later they would lie together in the afterglow of their lovemaking, wrapped in the fur pelts as she tried for the millionth time to count the freckles smattered across his skin in the glow of the waning firelight. 

Valindra released a deep breath she never realised she was holding and closed her shaking fingers around the handle. The cold, emptiness of her room was the only thing that greeted her. 

Her lip quivered and the tears began to fall, wrapping her arms about herself. Great heaving sobs wracked her body, her nails digging into her arms. Her chest ached as she struggled for breath between sobs that was fast careening toward hysteria. The rooms suddenly felt too small, stifling, their shared memories threatening to bury her under their weight. 

So many nights, so many firsts had been shared here.

She hurried for the balcony, thrusting open the large gilded windows, sucking in the cold mountain air in great gulps. The memories assaulted her here too. Their first kiss outside the fade, the day he first told her ar lath ma and called her vhenan, the first time he made her his.

They had said their goodbyes long ago on that awful night in Crestwood, the night he tore her heart in two and walked away, leaving her believe he loved her no more. But now he was really gone.

Trembling fingers brushed her chapped and broken lips. He had given himself away the instant he reached for her and kissed her in the aftermath of Coryphaeus’s defeat. Fresh tears streamed down her cheeks. 

That had not been the kiss of a man who didn't care. 

Her mind flashed back to the night she stood in his room, asking him to pretend. Her hands clenched over her belly as she fought back a wave of nausea. He had meant it that night when he called her vhenan. 

But he had left her anyway.

"You saw more than most" he had once said, as calm as the surface of a lake as she railed at him, pounding at his chest, utterly destroying his rotunda. Turmoil roiling behind blue-grey eyes, never spilling whatever secrets she knew he held from her. 

She spun, her nails scraping painfully against the stone bannister at her back. He would never know the secret she harboured still. 

Glistening sapphire eyes moved to the bed they once shared. Hardening like stone as they narrowed on the item lying innocently on her silk pillow. 

Dashing the tears from her eyes, Valindra rushed forward scooping up the wolf jaw amulet and turning it over in her palm, her fingertips tracing the pointed teeth. Solas was never without it. The feel of it pressed against her bare back as they slept was so familiar, the teeth digging into her skin as he took her over his desk in the late hours of the night. 

Her hands closed tightly over the wolf jaw as she dropping her hands to her side. Clenching her teeth and squeezing her eyes shut against the fresh wave of tears that threatened to drown her in hopeless misery, blood dripping from between her fingers as the teeth bit into her flesh. 

With a strangled scream she turned ready to hurl the item across the room, wanting nothing more in that instant to see the bone shattered on the cold stone, like her heart. 

A warm hand clamped over her wrist. "Now, now, is that really something you want to do?" 

Valindra opened her eyes to peer into Dorians bronzed features, a soft smile on his lips. She had not even heard him enter.

"Dorian..." she whispered before crumbling against him, all energy sapped from her body as everything from the past three years came crashing down upon her, Corypheus, Solas, she was tired. 

"Come my dear Lavellan, you cannot stay here wallowing in ghosts of the past. You will stay with me until we can arrange you a new room. Besides, you have other, more pleasant things to occupy your thoughts." Valindra met Dorians gaze and he smiled, a knowing glint in his eye as he twirled his moustache.

"What about Bull?" she said, deliberately ignoring his words as she desperately tried to pull herself together.

"Never mind Bull, after everything you have done, for both of us, for Thedas. Besides, you've been in our bed most nights since that awful Crestwood business."

Dorian guided her from her rooms and toward his own, the merry makers now too drunk to notice Dorian steering her through the crowed, taking her the long way round so as to avoid going through the rotunda. 

Dorian preceded her into his rooms, seating himself in the oversized, overstuffed armchair by the blazing hearth, drawing her into his lap. Leaning her head upon his shoulder, she gazed down at the amulet as Dorian gently pried it from her hands, placing it safely out of reach should the desire to destroy return. 

"You didn't have to leave the party Dorian, or Bull.” She sniffed. 

"Who else was going to stop you from destroying relics of past lovers?" His voice softened as he wrapped his arms around her, holding her closely. "Breaking that won't help you forget the apostate hobo my dear. The amulet wasn’t the only thing he left you was it?" His hand slid around her belly, where a barely perceivable bump had appeared.

"I...how did you..." 

"As I said, you are in our beds most nights, but not all. You've been with him, since Crestwood." 

"Only one night," Though they had topped their previous record that night, she thought mockingly, how could she have been so careless? 

"And do you really think I would not notice that my best friend conceived a child? You elves are so thin even the slightest swelling is noticeable without clothing on." 

She stayed silent, there was no point denying it. She carried Solas child in her belly. 

"Did he know?" Dorian asked softly, gently rubbing his thumb over the tiny bump. 

"No. I thought it best to wait, until after Coryphaeus. I didn't need him distracted; we needn't both have had this heavy in our thoughts." Valindra released a deep sigh, she had cried out all her tears over her pregnancy already. 

"I was going to tell him after...maybe...I think...I don't know… He was stifled here Dorian, I honestly don't know if he would have stayed even had he known. While I remain shackled to Skyhold, he was not. We never talked about after..." Valindra uncurled herself from Dorian, moving to stand by the fire, the blazing heat warming her skin. 

“It matters little now, he is gone. If he does not wish to be found, he won't be.” 

“Forgive me my dear, but what are you going to do?” 

“I’m keeping it.” There had never been any doubt about it. This child was a piece of her, of Solas. She would love and cherish the life they had created. And burn the world to a cinder to protect it. 

“I just…I don’t know if I can do this alone Dorian, without my Clan, without Solas.” Valindra couldn’t stop the tears that fell once more down her bare cheeks. Dorian moved from his chair and gathered her into his arms, stroking her silver hair soothingly.

"You have me, and Bull, and everyone else." he smiled at her. "We shall take care of those he left behind."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas must make a choice.

"The knife twists, it hurts. You hurt too, the Wolf does not have hunt alone again. They will forgive you."

Solas trekked the familiar path to the temple, his bare feet sinking into the damp earth, blood still tainted the grounds even after so many months. "I hurt her too much this time Cole, and besides," Solas stopped, turning to Compassion. "I have a duty to the people, this you have known from the beginning. I must set right my mistakes."

Solas turned away from the spirit boy, continuing his path through the Arbor Wilds. "The Inquisitor was just another in a long line of mistakes I have made in my life, Cole."

It was easier if he didn't speak her name.

"The lie is like ash in your mouth, she shines too bright in your heart. She is the truest truth you have known."

Solas picked up his pace, Coles words stabbed at his heart. He could have spent a lifetime with her, but the truth of what he had done gnawed at his gut every time he looked at her.

"I could live a lie no more, she deserves better than I, the monster who destroyed her people.” Solas shook his head, “No. She would never forgive my truth. Not now."

Now that he had left her for good.

"She could, they would."

"Ha! The inquisition would never, even if she could. They would see me dead for what I am attempting to do."

"Not the inquisition. The sparks."

Solas huffed irritably, "I don't know what sparks you are referring to, Cole, please just go."

Cole was silent, but did not leave, only walked quietly, as Solas approached the temple. Mythal waited.

"The sparks, they shine bright, like the sun, like her." Solas ignored Cole's cryptic words and continued up the steps, stepping into the hall where months ago Abelas and the sentinels stood guard over Mythal’s domain. Where he stood at the Inquisitors side, before he had shattered everything they once shared.

"She glows, and they grow brighter, and the knife twists less." Solas shook his head, and proceeded. He needed to forget.

"I cannot, you cannot, if you forget you will never know what you left behind and the Wolf will forever hunt alone."

"Know what Cole!" Solas spun, anger and frustration combined with the ache in his chest. Frost sprang to his fingertips, freezing his staff and he almost crushed it between is fingers.

The spirit boy’s eyes widened.

"I tore out my heart to heal the world, so cease speaking of her, I cannot bear it. I broke her heart, twice. I know because my own aches to be with her, but it cannot be. I have a duty." Solas chest heaved as he forced himself to calm, loosening the grip on his staff.

Cole looked him dead in the eye, then spoke plain.

"They grow and she hopes they are like the Wolf, like their father."

Solas stopped in his tracks and another piece of his heart broke away.

*************************************

A child. He left her with a child, his child, Solas thought despairingly as he approached the eluvian where Mythal waited.

He knew his vhenan had searched for him in the fade, but he had ignored her calls, thinking he would not be able to say no should she ask him to return. Eventually she stopped looking.

Solas ran a hand over his newly shaved head, trying to organize his scattered thoughts.

"I knew you would come. You should not have given your Orb to Corypheus, Dread Wolf." Came Mythal's voice, bringing him back to the now.

Solas looked up as he slowly trudged toward her, his mind was in turmoil, he needed to think of the people, his new found knowledge couldn’t change anything.

"I was too weak to unlock it after my slumber. The failure was mine, I should pay the price."

So many failures, when all he had ever done was try to do the right thing. And what did it get him? A world destroyed, half the elves reduced to little more than glorified slaves and the Dalish wandered in ignorance.

A pregnant lover left behind in a world he must tear asunder.

_Vhenan, why didn't you tell me?_

He should have turned her away that night she came to his room, instead he made love her over and over until the sun rose. She needed him and he needed her like he needed the air in his lungs.

"But the people, they need me." Solas leaned into Mythal’s comforting embrace and his heart cried out.

Vhenan.

"I'm sorry"

Mythal smiled a sad, knowing smile. "I am sorry as well, old friend."

For a long moment, Solas, the Dread Wolf, remained still. Mythal knew what he needed from her and he knew what he needed to do. But his heart was split in two, torn between setting right his wrongs and running to his lover’s arms and begging her to take him back.

He could watch his children grow, soothe their hurts and comfort them after nightmares. He could teach them to walk the fade and introduce them to spirits. Solas had little doubt they would be mages with such powerful parents.

A little girl with her mother's silver hair and dancing sapphire eyes, or a son with his chin and passion for learning.

Oh, how he desperately wanted that life with her, had always wanted it.

But he could wish all he wanted. That life could never be his.

He steeled his resolve and hardened his heart, mirroring the words he had spoken to his vhenan so long ago.

He looked into Mythal’s eyes and his old friend nodded.

Solas’s power surged, swelling up in his chest. Bright light flared in his palms and Mythal collapsed in his arms, her power flowing through into him, filling him with ancient power.

The Dread Wolf made his choice.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas Angst, sorry.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I finally figured out how to take screenshots, so here is my inquisitor Valindra Lavellan
> 
> http://ezzypiewrites.tumblr.com/post/138535966169/this-is-my-inquisitor-valindra-lavellan-i-love
> 
>  
> 
> Halam'shivanas - sweet sacrifice of duty  
> Ir Abelas ma Vhenan - i am sorry my heart

"Her heart is split but not in sorrow, the sparks make her world bright again. You should go."

  
Compassion hovered near as always, as Solas sat across from him, the firelight flickering across his pale face. The tight knot in Solas’s gut twisting painfully. He shook his head, leaned forward and pressed his palms to his brow, staring into the dying embers of the campfire.

  
He had yet to silence the spirit on the matter of Valindra Lavellan, and her twins. His twins. They had been born scarce an hour before, or so Cole had informed him.

  
And he had not been there.

  
_‘Stay strong, dread Wolf. The truest path is never the smoothest.’_

  
He closed his eyes tight in an attempt to drown out the voices in his head. A pair of bright sapphire eyes swam in his vision, framed by masses of silver-white hair, her face bare, her eyes full of sorrow.

  
_Ir Abelas ma Vhenan._

  
Solas opened his bloodshot eyes. He spent half his hours thinking of her and the other half trying to forget the family he had left behind.

  
_Halam'shivanas._

  
Dark circles rimmed his eyes. He barely slept these days, the fade that had once brought him such never-ending joy and wonder now became a nightly torment of his own making. He couldn't keep himself from his memories, losing himself in dreams long past. Her laugh, her smile, the way she scrunched her nose and chewed her lip when she concentrated.

  
The nights wrapped in her arms, laying by the crackling fire as she tried to count the freckles on his body. Hip lips pressed to hers, his hands on her naked skin as she sighed and moaned his name. Waking up each morning with her by his side, his ancient heart so full of love for the mortal woman in his bed.

  
He had truly never been happier than when she was in his arms.

  
But even in the fade, all roads lead to Crestwood, and that last night together in the weeks leading to Corypheus’s defeat, that night she conceived her children.  
And they were hers alone, not his. He could never be a father to them.

  
_Halam'shivanas._

 

"You know I cannot. I made my choice, there is no turning back."

  
"Her tears shine, he looks like pride."

  
"Please, Cole. No more." But the spirit was not done tormenting his already shattered soul.

 

"She needs you, wants you to see. You still burn bright in her heart, but she cannot cry anymore. 'ar lath ma, my wolf. Be safe ma vhenan'

  
"Fenedhis, Cole!" Solas cursed, getting to his feet. He paced, his long fingers pressing into his skull. He should have been there, she was alone.

  
"Not alone, never alone. 'I don't know if I can do this alone Dorian’ ‘you have me, we shall take care of those he left behind."

  
"Dorian." Solas breathed, if was a relief that the Tevinter mage had not deserted her.

  
"Dorian, soothes, mends the scars on her heart. Helps wash the blood."

  
Solas gaze snapped to Cole, the boys face hidden beneath the wide brim of his over-sized hat. Ice gripped his heart.

  
"Blood!"

  
_‘Do not falter, dread Wolf, you have come so far, the people need you.’_

  
"Pain, sharp like a blade, tearing, ripping, so much blood, on the bed, on the floor 'I can't, I need him' her face pale."

  
Solas seized the boy by the shirt front, panic and fear like he had never known rocketed through him. Pain etched into the harsh lines of his face.

  
"Cole, is she alright...is she..." the words died in his mouth. He couldn't bring himself to ask the question. It was not uncommon for woman to hemorrhage after giving birth. Especially an elven woman birthing twin babies. Their bodies too narrow to take the strain.

  
Cole blinked, puzzled.

  
"Dorian washed the blood, he helped. Your vhenan is alright. And so is your joy and your pride."

  
It was Solas turn to blink and he released the breath he had been holding.

  
"Thank you Cole." He should be there by her side. She needed him.

  
‘The people need you.’

  
Blocking out the voices in his head and Cole both. Turning from the boy.

  
He had made his choice. She had Dorian. It would be better is she moved on, found another and forgot him entirely.

  
"I don't want to forget Cole, our time was precious"

  
Solas closed his eyes, trying to shut off the tumultuous thoughts that raced through his mind, brushing the stray tears that leaked from the corners of his eyes.

  
His own, personal demons waiting to greet him in the fade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What should the twins look like? I'm thinking boy and a girl. Should Solas see her one last time? I am thinking of kinda sticking to the canon storyline, with obvious deviations. I'd like this to lead up to Tresspasser...Unsure if i'm gunna write a fix-it fic yet.  
> Your suggestions are welcome.
> 
>  


	4. Chapter 4

"I think she broke my hand!" Iron Bull grumbled, flexing his thick fingers.

"She did not break your hand you big oaf." Valindra cracked her eyes open at the sound of familiar voices, hurt lanced through her body. She had been in less pain battling dragons.

"Dorian?" Valindra groaned groggily as she struggled to rise herself onto her elbows, gasping sharply.

"Lay back, I'm almost done." He was blurry in her vision as he knelt between her legs, lifting the sheet, the warmth of Dorians magic spreading through her body, though it did little to lessen the discomfort.

Her vision came back into focus, her gaze falling to the bloodied rags beside the bed, the memories flooding back.

There had been complications, agonizing pain tearing her in two, and blood, so much blood and a vague recollection of Cole hovering nearby.

Fear and panic sized her, and ice closed around her heart.

"Dorian! My babies! Are they..." She drew in a harsh breath as she again struggled to sit.

"Keep her still!" Dorian growled, one hand holding her thighs in place as he worked on healing the damage to her body.

"Fine." Iron Bull was suddenly there, the giant qunari stroking her damp hair gently, offering soothingly words. "shhh, they are both fine, boss." But she would not be pacified.

"I want to see them. Now!" She snapped. She wanted to see her babies. They shared a look, which did not go unnoticed by Valindra, and Dorian nodded his approval.

Bull smoothed her hair once more before heading out of her chambers. Dorian dropped the sheet and declared himself done with a flourish typical of the Tevinter mage and moved to the basin, scrubbing the blood from his hands. Valindra watched every move like a hunter watches its prey. There was something they were not telling her.

"There's something wrong, isn't there? There's something wrong with my babies." Tears prickled at her eyes. She had done her best, followed the healers instructions to the letter. Ate the food, drank the teas.  She had damn well gone near insane confined to her bed as she had been, no matter the string of visitors that constantly paraded through her door, but she had done it, for them. She had carried them as long as her body allowed.

But it has been too early, she knew it the moment the pains had started.

"Oh, now, hush there." Dorian helped her to sit, then climbed into the bed behind her, drawing her back against his chest as he wrapped his arms around her, his moustache tickling the point of her ear. 

"Your babies are fine, perfect even." His hand came around to wipe the tears from her face with his thumb. He rested his chin on her shoulder, his tone turning serious.

Dorian was never serious.

 "However, twins are not common among elves, the strain on your body was too much..." He was silent for a long moment before he spoke, his voice cracked with emotion and she winced as he held her a little too tight.

"If I were a better healer I could have prevented further damage, but Vivienne is in Orlais and well..." Dorian stopped short of saying Solas's name, but she knew he was thinking it. Solas had been the most skilled healer she had ever seen.

"Dorian, you’re scaring me. What are you saying?"

"There was no time, it all happened so quickly. I had to act, you were losing so much blood, and you would have died!"

"Dorian please? Tell me." She pleaded.

"You won't be able conceive anymore children, Val. I'm sorry, I’m so sorry." She felt his tear against her cheek and Valindra took his hand in hers giving it a gentle squeeze.

"You saved my babies, you saved me. I can never thank you enough for what you did Dorian.” She smiled weakly, a few tears escaping from the corners of her eyes “It is alright Dorian.” But her words felt hollow. It was too much to deal with right now, so she buried the feelings down. She would deal with them another day.

Footsteps sounded on the stairs and Valindra turned to where Iron Bull came into view, cradling a tiny bundle in the crook of each arm.

Valindra leaned forward, ignoring the pain as she reached out for the infants.

Iron bull leaned down and placed the two sleeping bundles side by side in her lap. Dorian helping support their heads. They were so tiny. Were all babies this tiny?

"At least you got one of each, Boss." The babies gurgled and her heart swelled with love. She didn't know she could love this much, her heart near bursting with overwhelming joy, and a small portion of the sorrow she carried was pushed aside.

Valindra Lavellan, first of her clan, andrastae’s herald, leader of the inquisition, and now mother, reached down and unwrapped the swaddling. Her daughter had a very fine layer of silver hair, barely there at all, yet her son had a thick thatch of rust coloured hair. The same as his father's would have been had Solas ever let it grow out.

No amount of pleading had ever convinced him to do so.

She ran her thumbs gently over the infant’s cheeks and up the delicate points of their tiny ears, both babies wrinkling their noses. She wished her clan were still alive, and that Solas was by her side.

"They are beautiful, Val."  Dorian clucked as he brushed his fingers over the boy’s thick hair, causing it to spike a little.

"He should be here Dorian. He should have been here." Hot tears spilled down her bare face. “He’s going to miss everything. He will never know them, he’ll never know his children.”

"I know, I know, hush, Val, don't cry." Dorian soothed, and she sniffed back her tears. Iron Bull stepped closer, placing a comforting hand on her shoulder.

"They will never know their father. What am I supposed to tell them when they ask about him?"

"You tell them the truth. That in a dark time the two of you found a small ray of light. That for a fleeting moment you found a man who loved you with everything he had, but had his own path to follow. That he would have loved them dearly." Valindra frowned and new tears flowed.

“He would have loved them wouldn’t he?”

Bull laughed, “No doubt! He would have put them to sleep every night babbling on and on about the fade.” A small smile tugged at her lips.

“He would have done that, wouldn’t he?” She stared down at the sleeping babes. “Your papa would have loved you so much.” Her voice broke and she forced the smile back to her lips. She was deliriously happy, and also so devastatingly sad at the same time.

"But you doubt he loved you?" Dorian brushed a damp lock of silver-white hair from her brow, reading more into her false smile that she would have liked.

"Sometimes I'm not sure." A part of her still waited for him to come back to her, to visit her dreams. She had long ago gave up searching the fade and everywhere else. Solas did not want to be found, wherever he was.

That last time they were together on that field, she had believed he loved her, but now…

She couldn’t finish the thought, the twins chose that moment to test their lungs with a hearty cry. She smirked as Bull took several steps back.

“Afraid of a tiny baby Bull?”

The qunari laughed. “Come see me when they can hold a sword.” Dorian muttered something under his breath in tevene and laughed at his lover.

"They are just hungry," Dorian said, extracting himself from behind her, replacing the space with a mountain of large pillows.

"Are you hungry da’len’s?” Valindra tutted, loosening the swaddling until they were free to wave their tiny arms about. Dorian helped place the little girl in her arms, cradling the little boy in his own. Valindra lifted the hem of her tunic and brought the child to her breast, wincing as the infant latched on.

"You are a natural, my dear," Said Dorian, as he gently rocked her son.

"I’ll leave you to it, boss, you guys got this covered." Iron Bull tossed over his shoulder as he left.

Valindra Lavellan stared into the tiny, perfect face of her daughter.

“I can do this without him, Dorian, I really think I can.”

“Or course you can. And if not, you’ll always have me.”

 ________________________________

 

“I suppose you need names da'len's?" Valindra Lavellan lay on her side, hand propped under her chin staring down at the two newborns lying side by side, asleep with full bellies.

She gently brushed the back of her knuckles across their soft skin, so delicate. She sung softly to the infants, dripping a soft kiss to her daughter's head.

"Nehn, you bring joy to my heart." She turned to the little boy, his fist curled beneath his chin.

"Solasan, you look just like him." She pressed a kiss to her son’s brow and leaned back, just watching them sleep, her fingers curling about the jawbone she still wore about her neck.

"Your papa loves you, he's just doing important work. He'd be here with us if he could." A tear trickled down her naked face.

"I'll tell you about him one day. I'll tell you how he was the smartest man I ever knew, who shared his knowledge with the naive Dalish girl who dogged his every step." She tightened her grip on the amulet.

"How he loved the fade above everything else." A smile tugged at her lips.

"He would have slept half his life away if mamae didn't wake him every morning." She laughed. “I'm certain he did just that before he met me. He taught me to walk the fade, just as I'll teach you." She didn't doubt they would grow up to be mages.

"He was sweet and kind, and gods did he love those silly little Orlesian cakes," Valindra laughed at a memory.

"This one time, your Aunt Josie had this huge banquet planned for some visiting Orlesian’s, and I took your papa down to the kitchen for a surprise." She smirked, "Aunt Josie was not happy about the ruined cakes."

She was quiet for a long time, twirling the amulet around her wrist, then back again.

"Maybe, when his work is done, he will return to us." She whispered so low she barely heard herself speak.

Valindra turned then, and looked him dead in the eye. “Ar lath ma, dread wolf. Come home to us.”

 

The image faded and Solas jerked awake, the echoes of memory dissipating as Solas blinked rapidly into the darkness. Cold and alone in his bedroll, his face damp with tears, the fire having long since died out.

He should have stayed out of her dreams.

A frustrated cry tore from Solas’s throat as he gained his feet. He should have been there. Should be there now. He could have healed her properly, it was his fault she would bear no more children. If he were there he could have made it so she could conceive again.

_With someone who is not you._

The thought stung.

The image of Valindra nursing their daughter while Dorian soothed their son turned his stomach in knots, filling him with an overwhelming flood of jealousy.

It should be him!

_They are safe and well, Dread Wolf, put it behind you, forget them. You know what must be done._

Solas knew all too well, but there was one last thing he needed to do, before he could put that life behind him.

_Do not walk that path Dread Wolf, it will only bode ill for you._

He needed to see her.


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Solas couldn't resist seeing her one last time

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had hoped to get this out sooner but life has gotten very busy. Back to full time work, i'm currently editing my original manuscript for and actual real life editor! Exctiting! As well as writing my other two novels and keeping up with mt Patreon commitments...
> 
> But, I still need my Solavellan fix! 
> 
> Apologies for it is largely unedited, sorry.

 

Moonlight streamed through the wide arched windows, the panes flung wide to let in the summer breeze.

Solas hesitated in her doorway.

He shouldn't be here, he knew that. But he wanted, no, needed to see her one last time. He hadn’t believed how easy it had been to breach Skyhold. He would have to do something about that, he couldn’t have her left so unprotected. The commander had grown lax in the aftermath of Corypheus defeat. He'd simply walked through the front gate, hood up, head down, no one even gave him a second glance.

Though he had made a point to avoid wandering too near the tavern. Any number of his former companions would sooner run him through before he could utter a word.

But now he stood, rooted to the spot. He put one foot in front of the other, his bare feet slowly moving him soundlessly across the floor.

_This is folly, dread Wolf, she is a temptation you cannot afford to indulge, leave, turn back._

"I can't," he whispered to no one.

Solas came to stand by her bedside, lifting his hood so he could gaze down at his vhenan.

Tentatively, he reached our, brushing her silver-white hair back from her face.

She had always looked so peaceful in sleep. The lines of stress and worry melting away in peaceful slumber. For a time, she could set down her burdens.

He allowed his gaze to travel her face, committing every line of her face to memory, burning her onto his soul. If this was to be the last he ever gazed upon her, he wanted to have the details seared into his mind. He couldn't risk seeking her out in the fade after this.

 But oh, how he wished to crawl in behind her and hold her in his arms and never let her go.

_Such thoughts are dangerous, Dread Wolf, you cannot forsake your duty for this woman._

 

He shook the voices away, a tiny sound reached his ear and Valindra shifted in her sleep, flinging one arm wide and rolling onto her back, the blanket slipping away.

Solas froze, afraid to move.

The hem of her nightgown bunched above her thigh, revealing the creamy expanse of her long legs. Her breasts now strained against her nightclothes, fuller now as to nourish her infants, his amulet clutched tightly in her hand even in sleep, a soft sigh passing her lips. His body reacted at the vision she presented. Her belly not as flat as it once was and her narrow hips now flared a little wider than they once did from having born his children. 

And she was more beautiful and more perfect than she had ever been.

He heard the sound again and his gaze came to rest upon a set of masterfully crafted cribs. Quite clearly Blackwalls work. For the first time since he entered her rooms, he took a tentative step towards the soft sound.

_This is not your path, Dread Wolf._

Solas ignored the voices yet again, his long pale fingers curling around the edge of the crib, their names carved elegantly into to woodwork.

Nhen, joy.

And Solasan.

After everything, she had named her son for him. His knuckles whitened as he gripped the side of the crib. Salt-water welled in his eyes. It was too much. He did not deserve the honor, after all the hurt he had caused her.

Another soft sound came from the crib, and finally Solas leaned over, to stare into the wide eyed gaze of Valindra’s son. His son. His daughter sleeping soundly still, her tiny fist clenched against her chubby cheek. He gazed in wonderment, marveling at having had a hand in bringing new life into the world, into the world that only existed because of his mistakes. Everything he touched turned to ash, yet, staring down at the tiny bundles, they had to be his best mistake yet.

He would fix the world, for them, for her.

Solas brushed the back if his knuckles against the softness of his daughter’s cheeks. "Nehn." he whispered, his thumb tracing the delicate shell of her ear.

His son began to fuss, and the boy gripped his finger tight as Solas reached for the child. The tears rolled down his face, and his chest ached.  He extracted his hand and took a step back. He should not have come, it had been pure folly to come here.

The child let out a wail, and Solas hurried forward in an attempt to soothe the child. He heard Valindra move restlessly in the bed behind him.

Without thinking, he scooped the child from his cot, bringing his son to rest against the warmth of his chest, and Solas rocked the child gently, the little baby instantly ceased crying.

It was a sight to behold, Fen'Harel, the great betrayer, Dread Wolf, bathed in moonlight, a tiny infant clutched to his chest as he swayed slowly on his heels.

Solas pressed his lips to the boy’s head, the soft baby-down tickling his nose, and, for the first time in what felt like an age, the Dread Wolf smiled, a long forgotten lullaby sprung to his lips.

 “ _Elgara vallas, da’len, melava somniar. Mala taren aravas, ara ma’desenmelar. Iras ma ghilas, da’len, ara ma’nedan ashir_.” Words from his own childhood, so long ago, we whispered softly into the night.

“ _Dirtha lothlenan’as, Bal emma mala dir. Tel’enfenim, da’len, irassal ma ghilas. Ma garas mir renan, Ara ma’athlan vhenas. Ara ma’athlan vhenas_.”  


He finished the lullaby and drew the child back, and gazed into the face of his now sleeping son. Gently Solas placed the sleeping child back in his crib, brushing his fingers through the shock of rust colored hair before stepping back to gaze down at his children.

"That was beautiful." he froze when he heard her voice, Solas had not heard her approach. "Where did you learn it?" Why was she not screaming at him? He had seen her many time ply their enemies with gentle words before she destroyed them. Was she doing the same to him before she clawed his eyes out?

"Solas?" Her sleepy voice registered in his addled thoughts.

"My mother...she sang it to me as a child..." her arms slipped around his waist and his whole body tensed as she pressed herself against his back, her head resting between his shoulders.

"Vhenan...” He breathed, a shaking hand covering hers, his thumb tracing circles against her wrist. To have her touch once more, it was more that he had dared dream.

"Are you real? I don't know if I could bear to wake up without you again. Tell me you’re real, please Solas." Her voice was barely a whisper as his back, her arms tightened around him, and her body trembled against his.

He turned in her arms, cupping her tear stained face between his palms, barely keeping his own feelings in check as he wiped away her tears.

 _Do not do this, dread Wolf_.

"I am real...vhenan." Solas gathered her to him, burying his face in her silver-white hair that cascaded around her shoulders, tears stinging his eyes. He drew back, pressing his brow to hers.

"I would not dare beg your forgiveness, I do not deserve it. But know that I am truly sorry. I should have left you alone from the start, should never have encouraged..." He was silenced by her lips against his, with low groan he gave in to her kiss, soft and sweet and over too quickly.

"Hush Solas, I regret nothing about our time together. You left me, and you broke my heart. But you also bestowed upon me a most precious gift, our children." She cupped his face between her hands and smiled.

 

 

"They are so beautiful, aren't they Solas?" She stepped away from him and approached the twins, reaching down and lifting Nhen into her arms, the little girl barely stirring.

"Come, hold your daughter." She gave him no time to protest before the sleeping bundle was in his arms.

"They are perfect." And motherly pride swelled in her chest as she turned her back to him, fearing should she turn she would see him gone, that he was in fact a figment of her dreams.

"Are you upset? I didn't tell you...we had Corypheus to deal with, I didn't think...had we survived...I wanted..." She turned to see her own pain and uncertainty mirrored in his eyes.

"Hush, now," Solas stepped forward and pressed a finger to her lips, silencing her. She hadn't believed he would stay, even had he known of her pregnancy. Hell, she hadn't expected to survive if she was being truthful.

"I should have been here, you should not have been alone." That profound sadness of his had crept into his voice, she had never understood where it came from. She supposed she never would.

"I knew you were never mine to keep Solas, but I would have followed you anywhere. Did you really not know that?"

"Oh vhenan, if you would know the truth you would not say such things. Would that I could, I would never leave you again."

Her fingers brushed against the little girl’s brow, a sad smile pulled at her mouth.

"Why did you come, Solas?" She was standing so close she could feel his warmth, he barely heard her own whisper words.

"Because I am selfish, I needed to see you."

"Come to bed, I have missed you." She moved closer still, her eyes locking with his tumultuous blue-grey and she lifted the sleeping babe from his arms, placing her back in her crib.

"Vhenan..."

"Solas, you have been gone for so long, have you not missed me as I have you?" Valindra reached toward him, her lips traceing the line of his jaw and her fingers traced the sensitive point of his ear and a shudder rippled through him and his body hardened as she pressed herself to him. She smiled, he still wanted her.

"I have given you every reason to hate me, yet you welcome me with open arms." He grasped her shoulders, pulling her closer.

“I have cried oceans of tears for you Solas, railed at the heavens until I no longer had a voice. I searched for you, pined for you, I told myself I hated you. But seeing you again, here..." Tears glistened in the moonlight "I feel as though your already slipping away from me, I don't want to waste this precious time fighting with you."

“I shouldn’t” He said, yet his arms tightened around her. He brushed he hair away from her neck and pressed his lips to her throat. Peppering soft kisses along her shoulders and she melted into his arms.

"Tell me to go." he whispered against the shell of her ear. "Tell me you will not have me." He begged even as he walked her back toward her bed.

Gently he pressed her back onto the bed, covering her body with his, his teeth nipping at her collarbone. As he slipped the straps of her nightgown from her shoulders, pale in the moonlight. "Please vhenan...send me away." He breathed against her throat even as she sighed and moaned beneath his hands, his wonderful artists hands, no longer stained with paints and charcoals.

"Please vhenan...say no, please." He whispered again, against her lips, his thumbs circling gently over her nipples and moved down her hips to pull at the hem of her nightgown, slowly sliding the silky fabric above her thighs. "Never, ma'sa'lath." His mouth moved ever down, her flesh burning through her nightgown where his lips pressed against her.

Solas stopped when he reached her belly, no longer flat and firm like the last time they were together, and she shifted uncomfortably. He lifted his stormy gaze to hers, a small smile spread across his beautiful mouth and he kissed her stomach, his hands crept to her hips nuzzling her now softer belly, whispering in hurried and hushed elvhen, amongst them she recognized 'ir abelas and da'len', her heart raced and his hands lifted the hem further.

"Solas..." his blue-grey gaze met hers, brows drawn together quizzically, it was the same look he wore when transcribing one of his dusty tomes.

Valindra smiled.

The red marks that marred her hips, belly and breasts had never mattered before, she bore them proudly, a reminder of the life she had carried within. The caesarian scar where Dorian had been forced to take drastic measures.

She hooked her leg around him and rolled until she sat astride him, pushing him back so that he was flat on his back, that small, secret smile that was for her alone pulled at his lips. She held her breath. And slowly pulled the nightgown over her head, and a groan escaped him, his eyes practically glowing in the moonlight.

His fingers traced the rippled lines across her breasts and hips as he gazed in wonderment, he leaned up, pressing kisses to each of the marks on her belly.

Her hands clutched the back of his head, he had not shaved it recently, the short hairs a little longer and softer than she remembered.

"You’re not disgusted Solas?" Genuine shock registered on his face as he drew back.

"Vhenan, how can you ask that? You are even more beautiful because of them." and tears welled in her eyes.

"Solas I've missed you.

And when she straddled his hips and sunk down onto his length it was like coming home, her name a reverential prayer on his lips.

"I have missed you," He breathed.

"Say you'll stay Solas, say you'll never leave us again."

"Ar lath ma, vhenan. I will never leave you."

His mouth claimed hers once more as he began to move inside her and for a few precious hours, she could pretend he meant it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The lullaby Solas sings is taken from The World Of Thedas, Vol 1. It kind of seemed a fitting song.
> 
> Elgara vallas, da'len  
> Melava somniar  
> Mala taren aravas  
> Ara ma'desen melar  
> Iras ma ghilas, da'len  
> Ara ma'nedan ashir  
> Dirthara lothlenan'as  
> Bal emma mala dir  
> Tel'enfenim, da'len  
> Irassal ma ghilas  
> Ma garas mir renan  
> Ara ma'athlan vhenas  
> Ara ma'athlan vhenas 
> 
> Sun sets, little one,  
> Time to dream  
> Your mind journeys,  
> But I will hold you here.  
> Where will you go, little one  
> Lost to me in sleep?  
> Seek truth in a forgotten land  
> Deep with in your heart.  
> Never fear, little one,  
> Wherever you shall go.  
> Follow my voice--  
> I will call you home.  
> I will call you home.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Omg, I am so, so sorry it has taken this absurd amount of time to finish this fic!

She said she would have followed him anywhere. He knew she would have, which is precisely why he had left. Solas slipped from the bed, morning still hours away. He gazed down at her sleeping form, brushing a strand of silver hair from her face.

"She knows you lied, it twisted like a knife, yet she let you take her? " Solas was not surprised to find Cole has appeared. 

"I cannot stay, you know this." Solas stood, feeling around for his discarded clothing and pulling on his trousers.

"I don't understand. You took what you cannot have, she was happy for the lie?" 

"Sometimes the lie is easier than the truth Cole." Solas gazed down at Valindra, he brushed hair from her face. 

You have lingered too long, Dread Wolf. The People await.

"But I need you to make her forget." Cole blinked at him beneath his absurdly large hat.

"No, she wants to remember, remember you." 

"She cannot Cole, she cannot know it was real." Solas finished dressing in the darkness, casting a longing look down at the woman sleeping so peacefully. He had just made it so much harder on himself. 

"A dream, it felt like dream, his touch, his whispers, so real, yet not." 

"Yes, it was just a dream." 

"She will be happier with the dream." Cole tilted his head, "But you will not."

"My happiness matters not. What matters is that she will be happier. I have brought her enough painCole, I cannot keep allowing my selfishness to hurt her. It is for the best." 

"Your heart weighs more than before, heavier, yet lighter?" Cole glanced wistfully to where the twins slept. "You want this, you hurt with want, but you cannot stay, the people need you. Dorian and The Iron Bull, they will protect what you left behind." 

"Yes." Solas left the room, leaving as silently as he had come. He stepped through the gates of Skyhold, and never looked back.

______________________________________________

The infants cry broke the silence of the room in the early morning.

"Solas." She murmured, reaching across the space and finding it empty. She opened her eyes, blinking against the dawns early morning rays. He was gone. No, he has never truly been here the night had been but a dream. Just another dream.

Yet, for the first time in a long time she didn't wake feeling sad.


End file.
